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I miss my family.

As crazy as families can be, and as happy as I am here in CA again, I miss them dearly. My dog Junie, my best friend through so many hard times and happy hikes and naps on the couch. I raised her from just a little girl to the sweet old lady dog she is now.

My step dad, the best father figure I could ever ask for. More of my best friend than a strict parental authority, which made it even better. He always makes me laugh and jokes with me, always has a smile on even when life is crap, he always looks at the silver lining. He has the biggest dreams and he always sees them through, I respect that about him more than anything.

My mom, my rock and my best friend as well. She shaped me into a strong woman with the right priorities and goals, and showed me how to achieve anything I wanted to. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know and she is also one of the smartest people I know. She is just the best.

Family is so important, and sometimes I wonder if I ever did anything wrong with any of my family members. The ones I am close with, I think we’re doing  just fine. But the ones I have strayed so far from as to call them strangers, that really stings me. I don’t even really remember how it happened. It seems like one day we were perfect, and the next I barely knew them. The way we talk, it’s like talking to an acquaintance. Small talk, talk of the weather, the latest sports, the news, all the surface things. I think it was a gradual process though, something that slowly occurred over a period of years until I really looked and saw what a sham our relationship has become.

I want to fix it so badly. I have tried my very best to be present and accountable, to be there and to be supportive and happy and loving. But it really takes two, and now I just feel like I’m done. I don’t want to keep getting put on the back burner every time I wait to be met half way. I feel now that I’m just an obligation and not a family member anymore. Just a financial obligation that I am required to be seen once a month and that is all.

I don’t understand how this happened, but it is tearing me apart. I try and put it in the back of my mind, but on days when I go and try to be seen, and get nothing but a wave and an envelope that fulfills his responsibility, it makes it very difficult to ignore.

Been one of those days today, but I’m sure a more uplifting post will be up soon. Thanks for taking the time to read this, come back again soon!