How is it that the best laid plans usually never pan out as you would hope?
I always plan on being the best person I can possibly be to other people. I always live by my golden rule of “treat others how you want to be treated.” I am kind and compassionate, generous, and known for being joyful. I feel that I give and give and give. (Obviously this post is not me at my most modest time. Bare with me ) So after all the giving and the kindness and the thoughtful actions, I should feel happy with myself. Now how is it that I ended up in tears feeling all kinds of self loathing?
First of all, my kindness and my compassion also lead me to be an overly emotional person. For better or worse, it is a fact I learn to live with. So the tears don’t really come as a surprise. Sometimes I’ll cry for the simplest and possibly most ridiculous reasons. Other times it may be about something more important, I can’t explain the logic.
Everyone wants me to be so happy, and damn it I am trying so hard to do so. I am really quite happy in my current situation. Comparing to this time last year I am probably the happiest person on the planet. But I am human, and an emotional one at that, so excuse me for hitting a few bumps on my road to happiness. I am still getting used to everything these past couple of months. Going from being in a tough and lonely long distance relationship to our now proximal and healthy one, with a whole new set of rules, fights, joys, and experiences. Living in one state, and then another, and then different cities in that state. Moving out (of my parents home, of my comfort zone.) Changing schools. Getting a new job. I mean for the love of God, I have put so many new things on my plate! I think I am entitled to a few little meltdowns here and there. I can’t be a perfect go-with-the-flow girl all of the time.
I am a worrier. I am emotional. I am a planner and and overthinker. But I am positive and strong, getting stronger every day. I’m independent and trying my hardest to keep my independence a priority. I have weaknesses. I care so much ( maybe too much) for the happiness of my loved ones and what I do or don’t do to impact that happiness. I think I run myself into the ground with how much I ponder ways to make others happy. And at the end of the day, it’s just me I’m left sitting with and no one else.